I am getting very close to the end of my year long journey. I have discovered a few things about myself, or maybe I should more correctly say that I have confirmed some things about myself that I already knew.
One, I don't like writing. I find this tedious, vulnerable, and confirms that I feel like I don't really have anything to say of value. I love reading what others say though, and have a long list of blogs I read.
Two, I find living a disciplined life difficult. I can always make excuses for my choices, such as eating a little extra (had an extra hard workout this morning), cleaning my house (the mess will still be there tomorrow), not calling my Aunt (have nothing new to say and she won't have anything new to say either!) and writing on my blog (again, nothing to say).
I don't like feeling like a failure. Every time I convince myself to write, I feel like I'm just exposing how lousy I am at what I'm trying to do. So today, as I re-read my very first post, it's hard to feel positive. But let's do a review and maybe it won't be quite so bad (or it may be worse....).
And, last but not least, I have discovered that I get far more readers if I put this on Facebook. If I don't, very few read my posts but when I do, there are a lot more readers and responders. Not sure yet whether I'll do it today or not.
My personal goal was to make healthy choices. This was hard. Every time I feel stress, I want to eat. Every time I am happy, I want to eat. Every time I'm bored, I like to eat. But, thanks again to my lovely daughter-in-law who is completing her natural nutritionist training, I am making changes. It feels easier to do it for her. I am one of her case studies. I filled in about a 1000 questions on a survey (Okay, probably not quite that many) and then she analyzed it and gave me many suggestions on how to improve my overall health. I am trying to follow the recommendations, and good news, I do feel better. I have not followed all of her recommendations yet as the whole list is a little overwhelming, but already, I have lost some pounds and I think it is helping my arthritis. I continue to work out regularly at the club and have added a few special classes to my routine.
Relationally speaking, finding the best in all people is not necessarily easy. But I have made a promise to myself that I will not react in anger or with sarcasm immediately in those times when it is easy to do. This is especially true in the home. I don't want to react with an argumentative voice whenever I feel wronged. I am trying.
How does one measure spiritual growth? When I was growing up, this was measured simply in time one spent in prayer and bible reading. And bonus marks to you if you did it first thing in the morning. Well, I read the bible quite regularly and sleepless hours at night have been used in prayer, of a sort, but have I grown? If anything, I feel less sure about matters of faith. Things used to be very black and white; others were either in or out; and Jesus was absolutely going to return premilleniuim and take me and only those others who had said the sinner's prayer. Those lines aren't quite so definite anymore. It was easier when I KNEW things.
Vocationally, I was forced to grow. For the first 7 months of the school year, I taught a challenging class of mostly Kindies and a few grade 1's. It was good and I figured out a rhythm. I had a few students with special needs that I had never encountered before, so I learned, observed and flew by the seat of my pants most days. And then, after Easter, I changed to a grade 2 class. I had never taught grade 2 for an extended time before and so I needed to learn a new curriculum, new class habits and schedule and again had a few student with diagnoses that were very unique and challenging. And yet, I have found this class to be of the best I have ever taught. Maybe it was because they were older, but they understood me and my quirky sense of humour. I enjoyed their interactions and sure wish I could teach them longer. I have laughed out loud every single day in this class. I will be sad tomorrow as I say good-bye to them for the final time. I still don't know where I will be placed next year. There's a lot of movement going on in our district, and as a teacher with little seniority, I have to wait till everyone else is happy and then I'll get the leftovers. As I have said before, God has always looked after me and given me a job at the right time and so I trust and wait. I'm not saying this has been easy as it seems to get more difficult every time I go through this, but it is what it is.
And that's a wrap. How do I want to live the last month of my 40's? Continue to grow, learn and laugh. I start with a trip to Europe next week with my husband as he leads a tour of Anabaptist history. Should be fun. I may even post about it!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Parenting
We've just received the new book Fifty Shades of Grace of which my husband is one of the fifty contributing authors. I, of course, read my husband's chapter first, but am now starting to read the other stories, as well. I almost didn't get past the first couple of paragraphs of one particular chapter, "Parenting Scare" because of how it expressed how I'm feeling at the moment as a parent. The author, Jenn Esbenshade, tells a story regarding a moment of grace when dealing with a health scare involving her toddler. I, however, feel this way and my kids are young adults and a pre-teen.
"There's something about having children that creates a particular vulnerability in us. This little person is your heart, all that love and affection bubbling out to the surface. As parents we are left to watch this piece of our heart move about, unconnected to us, unable to shield it from all of life's dangers." (Pg 30)
Our children are at a very different stage of life than toddlerhood right now, but my heart is still deeply connected to my children. We have three young adult children and one middle schooler. We also have one "foster" son, who has lived with us off and on since his grade 12 year. Each of them is experiencing some not so easy life lessons right now. I want to shield them from all that and fix all of their problems. I hate to see them struggle. It's plain out painful to watch them experience hurts and disappointments. My husband and I really do think we know what's best for them, but they are at the stage where they need to figure it out for themselves. We also have to admit that sometimes they do know themselves better than we do! And yes, part of wanting to fix their problems is probably self-preservation. I have more grey hair than I like to admit, most of them accumulated during the learning to drive stages I've been through with 3 of them already. I have to give up control, which for me is a particularly painful and difficult process.
It's time to relinquish my mothering instincts for the older kids, ugh...I mean young adults. Thank goodness I still have a pre-teen in the house. I wonder if he can absorb all of my extra care I now have available?
"There's something about having children that creates a particular vulnerability in us. This little person is your heart, all that love and affection bubbling out to the surface. As parents we are left to watch this piece of our heart move about, unconnected to us, unable to shield it from all of life's dangers." (Pg 30)
Our children are at a very different stage of life than toddlerhood right now, but my heart is still deeply connected to my children. We have three young adult children and one middle schooler. We also have one "foster" son, who has lived with us off and on since his grade 12 year. Each of them is experiencing some not so easy life lessons right now. I want to shield them from all that and fix all of their problems. I hate to see them struggle. It's plain out painful to watch them experience hurts and disappointments. My husband and I really do think we know what's best for them, but they are at the stage where they need to figure it out for themselves. We also have to admit that sometimes they do know themselves better than we do! And yes, part of wanting to fix their problems is probably self-preservation. I have more grey hair than I like to admit, most of them accumulated during the learning to drive stages I've been through with 3 of them already. I have to give up control, which for me is a particularly painful and difficult process.
It's time to relinquish my mothering instincts for the older kids, ugh...I mean young adults. Thank goodness I still have a pre-teen in the house. I wonder if he can absorb all of my extra care I now have available?
Friday, April 26, 2013
Sermon #3 - "when did we see you...?"
Last Sunday's sermon, in fact the whole service, was brought to us courtesy of our youth group! (I love my youth group!) They fashioned the service to mimic a regular youth evening. It was good. And then we had a Bible study like they have. They wanted us to study the same passage they had recently studied. So we heard the scripture passage read a few times and then we had some questions to guide our own reflections. We talked about these reflections after and they shared what they had discovered in the passage.
The scripture passage used was Matthew 25:31-46. This is the story of the separation at the judgment of the goats from the sheep, with each group asking why they were placed in that particular group. The reason? It all had to do with how they treated the less fortunate they met....the sheep acted in compassion when they saw someone hungry, naked, thirsty, etc. The interesting thing for me here was that these people did not do it as something for Christ. They just did it and it was Jesus who said it had been done for him. And based on those actions alone, Christ gives them eternal life. The "goats," on the other hand, are relegated to eternal punishment because they did not DO those things to the "least of these."
As a congregation, we were given a few guiding questions to direct our thoughts and conversations with people around us. One of those questions was "What about this text makes you uncomfortable?" "Plenty!" was my thought! Why are people judged just for their actions? What about their beliefs? How much actions are enough to be considered a sheep? How little makes you a goat? Who are the least of these? I can't do it all! Is giving money to causes such as the food bank considered feeding someone? Or how about giving money to MCC for giving homes to others? Do I have to do it directly?
Another question was what we would add to the list if actions Jesus lists. That was interesting. My response is included with the list compiled below.
The scripture passage used was Matthew 25:31-46. This is the story of the separation at the judgment of the goats from the sheep, with each group asking why they were placed in that particular group. The reason? It all had to do with how they treated the less fortunate they met....the sheep acted in compassion when they saw someone hungry, naked, thirsty, etc. The interesting thing for me here was that these people did not do it as something for Christ. They just did it and it was Jesus who said it had been done for him. And based on those actions alone, Christ gives them eternal life. The "goats," on the other hand, are relegated to eternal punishment because they did not DO those things to the "least of these."
As a congregation, we were given a few guiding questions to direct our thoughts and conversations with people around us. One of those questions was "What about this text makes you uncomfortable?" "Plenty!" was my thought! Why are people judged just for their actions? What about their beliefs? How much actions are enough to be considered a sheep? How little makes you a goat? Who are the least of these? I can't do it all! Is giving money to causes such as the food bank considered feeding someone? Or how about giving money to MCC for giving homes to others? Do I have to do it directly?
Another question was what we would add to the list if actions Jesus lists. That was interesting. My response is included with the list compiled below.
when I felt no one cared you gave me a place to belong.
when my home was shabby and falling apart you helped me improve and make it cheerful.
I was young and you listened to me.
I was old and you honoured me.
I needed money for school and you sent some for me.
I needed a phone call when I was sick and you called me.
when I was hooked on drugs, cigarettes, and liquor you sent volunteers to visit, comfort, and show love.
when I told you I was gay, you welcomed me.
I was bullied and you stepped in.
I was depressed and you encouraged me.
I was invisible and you saw me.
I was untouchable and you embraced me.
When I was mocked, you stood up for me.
Boy, if we as a church follow through on these, we will change our community! Are you up for the challenge? I hope I am.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Sermon #2 - "Why are WE here?"
What is the church's purpose? Why do we meet regularly? How do we bear witness to Christ?
The sermon suggested two ways, but our pastor said she was stumped for a third and asked that we come up with some ideas. But first, the two reasons for being the church she had thought of.
First and foremost, the church is here to worship God. By worshipping corporately, we are declaring our love for and adoration of God. God is worthy of all our praise and doing that together gives it strength.
Secondly, we are here to empower each other to use our God-given gifts both within the church and beyond. We call each other to serve and then we help each other in that role.
But what would I put as another reason? The church to me has always been my family. As we have lived away from our extended family for most of our married lives, the church has become the village that raises our children. We could not have done it on our own. For a number of years, my husband's job took him away from the family every other weekend. Who did I go to for support? The church. Where did I go for adult conversation? The church. Where did I go to for childcare, play dates, preschool? Yep, the church. And now I still need the church. I need the church to encourage me, I need it to remind me that life is more than just me, I need the church to hold me up to God in prayer when I go through tough times. I need the church, just as everyone needs a family.
But beyond the selfish, I think that the church family is called to live in unity. When we live together in love, not always agreeing, but always united, we are a testament to the living Christ.
Philippians 2:1-4 talks about how we are to live together with others because of our unity with Christ. It is the antithesis of the "I" mentality so prevalent now, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others," (v.4). Colossians 2 talks about how being united in love helps people to understand the mystery if Christ. (v. 2) Being united in Christ brings glory to God. (Romans 15:5-6)
The sermon suggested two ways, but our pastor said she was stumped for a third and asked that we come up with some ideas. But first, the two reasons for being the church she had thought of.
First and foremost, the church is here to worship God. By worshipping corporately, we are declaring our love for and adoration of God. God is worthy of all our praise and doing that together gives it strength.
Secondly, we are here to empower each other to use our God-given gifts both within the church and beyond. We call each other to serve and then we help each other in that role.
But what would I put as another reason? The church to me has always been my family. As we have lived away from our extended family for most of our married lives, the church has become the village that raises our children. We could not have done it on our own. For a number of years, my husband's job took him away from the family every other weekend. Who did I go to for support? The church. Where did I go for adult conversation? The church. Where did I go to for childcare, play dates, preschool? Yep, the church. And now I still need the church. I need the church to encourage me, I need it to remind me that life is more than just me, I need the church to hold me up to God in prayer when I go through tough times. I need the church, just as everyone needs a family.
But beyond the selfish, I think that the church family is called to live in unity. When we live together in love, not always agreeing, but always united, we are a testament to the living Christ.
Philippians 2:1-4 talks about how we are to live together with others because of our unity with Christ. It is the antithesis of the "I" mentality so prevalent now, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others," (v.4). Colossians 2 talks about how being united in love helps people to understand the mystery if Christ. (v. 2) Being united in Christ brings glory to God. (Romans 15:5-6)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Sermon #1 - Why are you here?
Why do you go to church? In her sermon Easter morning, April presented a nice alliteration of three different reasons people come to church, those being: Believe, Behave and Belong. Check out April's summary here: http://www.emmanuelmennonite.com/2013/04/11/why-are-you-here/
But why do I go to church? I would also say that I go for all three reasons above. I believe in Jesus and His community of the church. I grew up going to church and it was definitely an expected behaviour for all Christians to go to church. It was a barometer to use when you wanted to know whether someone was a Christian- did they go to church? If yes, then they were. If not, then they probably weren't. Rather simplistic, I'd say now, and not entirely accurate. I also go to church because of the feeling of belonging. I belong there, with that group of people. I belong in Christ's physical manifestation of him- his church.
Some Sundays I go to church for one reason, and sometimes for another. I can truly say I am glad that I have found a local community that worships together a risen Saviour.
But another reason I go to church is to remind myself that it is not about me. Life and worship are not to be an individualistic experience. With so many things around me telling me that I need to do what's right for me and what feels good for me, and as I type on my iPad, I need the weekly reminder that I am part of a community. I am not the centre of the universe, and there is more to life than what I want or what I feel. And somehow that reason ties in all three above. I believe in Christ and his church and I behave in a certain way by attending regularly and I belong to this community.
I do believe that's why April followed up this sermon with the next one...."Why are We Here?"
Reactions to that are in the next blog entry....
But why do I go to church? I would also say that I go for all three reasons above. I believe in Jesus and His community of the church. I grew up going to church and it was definitely an expected behaviour for all Christians to go to church. It was a barometer to use when you wanted to know whether someone was a Christian- did they go to church? If yes, then they were. If not, then they probably weren't. Rather simplistic, I'd say now, and not entirely accurate. I also go to church because of the feeling of belonging. I belong there, with that group of people. I belong in Christ's physical manifestation of him- his church.
Some Sundays I go to church for one reason, and sometimes for another. I can truly say I am glad that I have found a local community that worships together a risen Saviour.
But another reason I go to church is to remind myself that it is not about me. Life and worship are not to be an individualistic experience. With so many things around me telling me that I need to do what's right for me and what feels good for me, and as I type on my iPad, I need the weekly reminder that I am part of a community. I am not the centre of the universe, and there is more to life than what I want or what I feel. And somehow that reason ties in all three above. I believe in Christ and his church and I behave in a certain way by attending regularly and I belong to this community.
I do believe that's why April followed up this sermon with the next one...."Why are We Here?"
Reactions to that are in the next blog entry....
Friday, March 29, 2013
Good Friday?
Last night we had a Maundy Thursday service, also called Tennebrae service. As the words were read telling us of Jesus' final hours, I was convicted of my guilt. I would have left Jesus, too, as his disciples did. We had communion as individuals, each going up and serving ourselves to reflect the "alone-ness" Jesus must have felt. It was hard to do. As we left the dark sanctuary in silence, I wanted to stay silent on the way home and into the evening.
This morning our church had a Good Friday service. It was not dark as the sun was streaming in the windows. We sang and listened to more of the story of Jesus last hours. But what got me weeping was a monologue from Mary's perspective. Mary, despite the special mother/son bond all mothers have with their children, had to give him up to share with the public, not only for a very public ministry, but also a very public death. What pain for a mother!
And then, we as a church were once again confronted by our guilt of betrayal, this time in a monologue written by and delivered by my son Adriel. I found it very moving and was once again in tears.
This morning our church had a Good Friday service. It was not dark as the sun was streaming in the windows. We sang and listened to more of the story of Jesus last hours. But what got me weeping was a monologue from Mary's perspective. Mary, despite the special mother/son bond all mothers have with their children, had to give him up to share with the public, not only for a very public ministry, but also a very public death. What pain for a mother!
"I was there. It seems like I always was… From the very beginning, from the day he was born I loved him. I held him in my arms, and everything in my heart: from the praise of the angels to my own questions and longings for what he would become. He and I belonged to each other, my son and I, but it wasn’t long before I had to share him, to give him up.
“I must be about my Father’s business”, he said – and what was that? Jesus had to belong to the people, even to the tax collectors and prostitutes; they needed him. They needed his stories, his healing, and his preaching. He was everything to them – just like he was to me. Then the time came where even they had to give him up – it wasn’t fair! His time was so short, too short. No mother should have to watch her son die.
When Jesus was still a baby, Joseph and I took him to a temple. There, an old man named Simon told me: “a sword will pierce your heart”. I couldn’t have known what he meant. I was so happy then, so proud of my beautiful son… I think I have an idea now. This grief will stay in my heart like a piercing wound, but my son left me so much more than that when he died. He gave me a family. Everyone who loved him, everyone who feels that sword of grief with me, we are the ones who belong to each other now.
And then, we as a church were once again confronted by our guilt of betrayal, this time in a monologue written by and delivered by my son Adriel. I found it very moving and was once again in tears.
I am the betrayer.
I am the weak.
The liar.
The violent.
I am the rock, upon whom the church will be built.
I am Peter.
I was there:
His friend; his brother; his servant.
On his deathbed, his final hours,
He called to me,
And James, and John.
His final hours:
“Stay here and keep watch with me?”
In agony;
Alone,
He prayed—
For we were asleep.
Could we not watch with him for one hour;
On his deathbed,
Pray with him?
“He is at hand that doth betray me.”
Nay,
“I shall lay down my life for thy sake;”
Yet,
“Verily, verily, I say unto thee,
The cock shall not crow, til thou hast denied me thrice.”
I am the blind,
The deaf.
“He is at hand that doth betray me.”
Nay Lord!
I shall not pray with you.
I shall not sit with you,
On your deathbed,
In your final hours!
I shall take action.
Wherefore I sleep,
Wherefore I rise,
I lent him not mine ear.
“Wilt thou lay down thy life for my sake?”
Nay Lord,
I shall flee.
“He is at hand that doth betray me.”
“I know not what thou sayest.”
An oath,
“I do not know the man.”
Yea,
Even I curse and swear,
“Goddamn,
I
Know
Not
The man!”
Of whom do I speak,
O Simon,
O Rock,
O Peter?
Of whom do I speak?
“He is at hand that doth betray me.”
I am he.
And I shall weep.
Bitterly,
From beyond the walls.
I could not watch with him,
On his deathbed,
In his final hours.
I could not stand with him,
When the kiss came:
“Hold him fast.”
I could not be for him,
Outside the walls,
In the morning.
I am he:
The rock, on whom the church will be built.
I am he:
Whom Jesus loved.
And yet I slept.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Spring Break is over
Tomorrow I head back to work. It's been a good week, but I could use another. But as I sit on the ferry heading back to the mainland, I thought it would be good to do some reflecting of the week it was.
I did sleep in, or at least I stayed in bed past 7 almost every morning. I didn't wear my pj's all day, but I'm assuming that sweatpants are just as good and I did stay in them a few days. I went to work out 5 times during the week. I did Gary's taxes and filed our own. I got caught up on the accounting, but was behind again the next day as we bought something or a bill came in. It's a never-ending battle. I called my great aunt a few times, but it never suited her to get together. I did some spring cleaning, moving all furniture on the main floor and in two bedrooms to vacuum and clean behind them. Oh my! There is a reason we do that annually! Micah and I did have a date, going out for lunch and to Toys 'R Us for the Lego set. I did play the computer games, so much so that I took them off the ipad, knowing what an incredible time waster they are. I went to see Adriel in Swallows and Amazons. What a great show! I went to see Sarina dance. How I wish I had grown up dancing and am so thankful that we were able to encourage Sarina in this great expression. I did not go out for coffee with any friends. I also did not do any prep work for the new class. I don't even know where to begin, as I have no idea where they are in the curriculum or yearly plan. Guess I have my work cut out for me this week! I also did some reading, finally starting the book The Map of True Places. I've also started reading my pastor's new book entitled Sacred Pauses, and am hoping it will help me have a fresh perspective on daily spiritual renewal.
Speaking of pauses, I'm very thankful for the past week. I know that those of us in the teaching profession are spoiled by our regular breaks, and so I don't want to take it for granted. I hope that it will make me a better teacher and person. I am looking forward to seeing the little gaffers again
tomorrow, although it will be bittersweet as it will be my last week with them.
And now I sit on the ferry as it goes by some of the most gorgeous scenery in the world. How absolutely beautiful. And I pause again, knowing that this time is a gift. I am by myself in a ferry full of people. What a gift! May you also have gifts of time to think and reflect over the next little while, even if you don't have an official "Spring Break."
I did sleep in, or at least I stayed in bed past 7 almost every morning. I didn't wear my pj's all day, but I'm assuming that sweatpants are just as good and I did stay in them a few days. I went to work out 5 times during the week. I did Gary's taxes and filed our own. I got caught up on the accounting, but was behind again the next day as we bought something or a bill came in. It's a never-ending battle. I called my great aunt a few times, but it never suited her to get together. I did some spring cleaning, moving all furniture on the main floor and in two bedrooms to vacuum and clean behind them. Oh my! There is a reason we do that annually! Micah and I did have a date, going out for lunch and to Toys 'R Us for the Lego set. I did play the computer games, so much so that I took them off the ipad, knowing what an incredible time waster they are. I went to see Adriel in Swallows and Amazons. What a great show! I went to see Sarina dance. How I wish I had grown up dancing and am so thankful that we were able to encourage Sarina in this great expression. I did not go out for coffee with any friends. I also did not do any prep work for the new class. I don't even know where to begin, as I have no idea where they are in the curriculum or yearly plan. Guess I have my work cut out for me this week! I also did some reading, finally starting the book The Map of True Places. I've also started reading my pastor's new book entitled Sacred Pauses, and am hoping it will help me have a fresh perspective on daily spiritual renewal.
Speaking of pauses, I'm very thankful for the past week. I know that those of us in the teaching profession are spoiled by our regular breaks, and so I don't want to take it for granted. I hope that it will make me a better teacher and person. I am looking forward to seeing the little gaffers again
tomorrow, although it will be bittersweet as it will be my last week with them.
And now I sit on the ferry as it goes by some of the most gorgeous scenery in the world. How absolutely beautiful. And I pause again, knowing that this time is a gift. I am by myself in a ferry full of people. What a gift! May you also have gifts of time to think and reflect over the next little while, even if you don't have an official "Spring Break."
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